2019 was a really big year for me. It was also a really difficult year, but I think the challenges I faced gave me more clarity and determination than I would’ve otherwise had.

Here are some of the things I’m most proud of:

1. Finishing My Memoir
I officially started writing my memoir WHISTLEBLOWER back in October 2017, and finished it a few months ago. Writing it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wanted to quit so many times during the writing process, because finishing it meant I had to dig into some of the most painful memories from my life and process them and figure out how I felt about them and decide what I wanted to say about them; I re-opened a lot of old wounds to write the story of my life, and while I’m so glad that I did, I feel like those wounds are still open and won’t close until the book is out in the world and in people’s hands. Writing it also meant I had to speak up about more injustice and mistreatment; it meant I had to put myself back in the hot seat again and prepare for all of the retaliation and fallout and backlash that I will inevitably experience when the book is published. I’m not ready for any of that, and there’s really no way to prepare for it, but I know that I’m doing the right thing. I am so proud of the book I have written and I truly believe it will make a difference in this world.

2. Launching and Running Op-Eds From the Future
Op-Eds From the Future is one of my absolute favorite things I’ve ever worked on. I still can’t believe I started a speculative fiction series at The New York Times and that it is still running and I am running it and that some of the greatest writers of our time have written pieces for it. Every time I think about it and work on it, it fills me with joy.

3. Finding Balance Between Work, Life, and Being a Mom
One of my biggest challenges this year was trying to balance working full-time at The New York Times, writing my memoir and several other books and projects (see more details below!) in my spare time (I didn’t take book leave at all), taking care of myself and spending time on the other things I love to do (music, reading, exercise, etc.), and making sure I was spending good quality time with my daughter and my husband. I never wanted to feel like any of the most important aspects of my life — my work, my marriage, my toddler — were being shortchanged or that I had to make any sacrifices or compromises that I would later regret. While I do wish I had much more time for writing and much more time to spend with my husband and daughter (not to mention with friends and family), I feel like at the end of every day, when I go to sleep, my heart is full — I feel like I have done meaningful work and that I have spent meaningful time with the ones I love. And that’s really all I can ask of life!

4. Becoming a Better Writer (and Writing a LOT)
This year was transformative for me as far as my writing skills are concerned. I got to the point where I can now sit down and knock out 3000-5000 good words in one sitting, even when completely exhausted at the end of a long workday. My day job as an editor made all the difference here: since I’m so used to thinking of writing and editing as work, I no longer get writer’s block and writing has lost most of its mythical quality (which is a good thing, as far as I’m concerned). In addition to finishing my memoir, I also wrote a couple of pieces for the Times, two novels (which I am currently revising), and one very joyful screenplay.

5. How Much I Learned
In addition to my usual weird learning habits, I learned a great deal on the job at the Times and took two classes at ASU — one economics class and one graduate philosophy class — and three screenwriting classes at The New School. It was a blast going back to school and taking classes merely for fun and for the joy of learning, but it was ridiculously hard to juggle on top of all of my other responsibilities.

6. Getting into Better Shape
This was a super active year for me. I rode horses, took tennis lessons, ran and ran and ran, hiked, did lots of yoga and pilates, and (most recently) started working with a personal trainer. I’d never been so active before in my life, mostly because of issues with illness over the years (I dealt with some really bad chronic pain this year, too), but I was very determined to not let any of that that stop me and I (mostly) succeeded.

7. Reaching my Reading Goal
Every year, I try to read 52 books (one each week). This year, I not only met my goal, I flew past it! I’m not sure how I read so many books this year, because I didn’t have much extra time at all. I usually read for about 30 minutes to an hour every evening right before bed, and somehow that did the trick. (See my reading list here: https://www.susanjfowler.com/reading-list.)

Here are some of the biggest lessons I learned:

i. Writing Isn’t Magic; It’s Hard Work
I used to struggle to get my thoughts onto the page because the first time I put them down, they were complete crap. The second time I put them down, they were also crap. And the third time. And the fourth time. And the fifth time. But each time, what I was writing got a little bit better, and eventually I realized that by approximately the fiftieth time I revised something, I’d have something really good; therefore, if I wanted to write something worth reading, all I had to do was put in the time and effort to revise it enough times. This is a general lesson that I think applies to most things: if you want to get better at something, you have to do it over and over and over again and incrementally improve with each new try; given enough time, you can take something from crap to good (and maybe even to great).

ii. Trust Yourself More!
I’m the kind of person who picks apart every thought I have and overanalyzes every decision. I always try so hard to make sure I’m doing the right things for the right reasons, period. This, unfortunately, means that sometimes I don’t listen to myself when I have a gut reaction that something is bad, not right, or off. I’ll go along with it and/or not say anything about it until I’ve finished overanalyzing the hell out of it, at which point I step back and say “hey, this isn’t right,” or “hey, this isn’t right for me” and then have a long, thought-out complicated argument as to why that’s the case. But the dumb thing about these situations is that the sick-to-my-stomach feeling always eventually leads to me realizing, after lengthy self-doubt and over-analysis, that the thing in question is not right for me. Always. Without fail. So this year, I learned that I need to trust that feeling when it happens and stop wasting so much time doubting myself.

iii. You Have to Be Your Biggest Cheerleader — and Cheer for Others, Too
This is one of the lessons I have had to learn the hard way. I’m the first to criticize myself and tell myself (and everyone around me) all of the things I’m doing wrong. I try really hard to be aware of my mistakes (and believe me, I make a lot of ‘em!) and I work hard to become a better person. But the more that I’ve found myself in the spotlight/public eye, the more I’ve realized that everyone else around me is more than willing to pick me apart and point out all of the things I’m doing wrong. It’s like a 24/7 roast. So I realized that I have to be my biggest cheerleader, because while everyone (including me!) is eager to criticize me, it’s so much harder to find positive feedback and praise. Consequently, I’ve also been trying to cheer for others more often, too, both because it brings more happiness into the world and because it’s so much fun to bring attention to the good and awesome things that people are doing.